pantoum's Diaryland Diary

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IS SEX A HOMELAND SECURITY ISSUE?

323.

On April 5�the same day that a child was testifying before Congress about being abused by online sexual predators�a high-ranking Bush official was arrested for pedophilia. Yes the deputy press secretary for the Department of Homeland Security got caught trying to solicit sex from a fourteen-year-old girl.

This also from the Post:

Another Homeland Security official�Frank Figueroa, special agent in charge of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement in Tampa�faces trial this week on charges of exposing himself to a teenage girl last year at a mall. Figueroa, who has been suspended, pleaded not guilty.

As my mother used to say (ahem), Be sure your sins will find your lame asses out, you fucking GOP pigs.

�

So my pals Farmgrrl and Rosa�s return from their multi-month Latin-American spending spree for new gallery items brightened my mood tremendously and I am no longer in the depressed slump that I found myself in last week. .

And Pottergrrrl left a message saying that her daughter told her that I said she dumped me because I am fat. She said she�s sorry if her message left me with that impression (!) when she actually finds me beautiful and sexy and gorgeous [and a whole bunch of other adjectives thatI won�t include here]. And she remains upset that she hasn�t seen me trying to change quickly enough even after she pointed out my weight gain.

Geez! Do I fucking report to the women I fuck now?

I started to write back saying that I wish she would at least try to understand the role that depression and self-doubt and rejection play in emotional immobilization.
Say that it seems so easy for her to label my gym sessions inadequate as she sits in judgment and deems me wanting, while an empathetic person might recognize that weight gain is never only about what one puts in one�s mouth.

My reality is that I have been struggling to emerge from a stunned, sometimes-suicidal place for over a year now and just don�t always deal with that loss in a healthy manner. Instead, I lose faith in myself. And sometimes, when I�m lonely and hurting, I comfort myself with comforting food that I know is bad for me.

I also find the whole idea of taking off this weight I have gained so daunting right now, when I just don�t have much belief in myself. And I don�t always believe I�m strong enough to succeed anymore. And I don�t get the impression that she would understand moderation or backsliding.

I started to remind her (and myself) that I forced myself to get up and leave the house for months after isolating myself for almost a year. I forced myself to go to the gardens, to see beauty again, to fucking MOVE again, while looking in the mirror every day and hating what I saw.

(And yes I do know that this whole thing is somehow about me finding faith again, about me learning to remember that I matter again.)

But then I thought WTF, anyone who writes a letter like that is not someone I will ever respect, so why bother replying? .)

�

In other news, my crazy little sister who is in the Army and who has what may be the world�s worst taste in men�she attracts abusers and makes excuses for them�called at 5:30 AM, asked if she awakened me (what do you think?), then said �Guess what. I'm getting married!�

I asked her how long she�s known the groom-to-be and she said that�s not a good question to ask because he�s a Shakespearean actor in a traveling medieval fair.

I asked how old he is and she said twenty-five. (She�s thirty-five, but I hear that's a nice balance sexually for the hets.)

I asked if she�s happy and she said very.

So I congratulated her. After all, she�s a grown-up who gets to make her own (fucked-up) decisions now. I just hope they don�t affect her daughter negatively. (And I worry every time she shows up with a guy she barely knows that he's a pedophile who will ruin my little niece's life.)

�

Finally, can I just add how weird it was to return home after my timeless time on the water to encounter my neoChristian neighbors running over to hand me a UPS box that, unbeknownst to them, contains one double-headed dildo and one black leather O-ringed collar that I thought Pottergrrrl and I would be enjoying right now?

SANG IN SHOWER: Pat Benatar�s �Hit Me with Your Best Shot� (which is so old that I used to play the blue eight-track in my 1973 bitching Camaro)

LISTENING TO: Kasey Chambers�s �Nullabor Song�

READING: The search warrant for 610 N Buchanan St. (the Duke University lacrosse team house).

BEST-OF SPAM: I FAILED AND STILL MAKE 94K! [but apparently cannot find the caps lock key on your computer]

12:40 a.m. - 2006-4-15

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