pantoum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HATE IS A MANY-SPLENDORED THING? I'm feeling profoundly unattractive today, insecure, asking myself why anyone would be interested in me—maybe because I haven't been able to go to the gym every day, so I just feel fat and unattractive. I look at my body and think She Wouldn't Like You. Haven't been able to turn off those messages, and so decided to just feel what I feel but try to counter the negative messages with evidence to the contrary. This is so clearly about my fear of being rejected, of getting hurt again if I take a risk and expose myself, open up and entertain the possibility of connecting with someone again. Damn it, sometimes I wish I weren't such a weird mix of arrogance and insecurity! I imagine it'd be easier to just be one way or the other. Or at least it'd be consistent. Come to think of it though, my Meyers-Briggs personality test results said I'm an INTP and not an INTJ because Js are confident about their decisions and don't go back and ponder whether or not they made the right decision while Ps do. I'm always willing to reconsider if you give me good reasons to do so. I guess I like my personality type though—it was good enough for Einstein, after all—like that it says "flexible until one of your precious principles is violated, and then not flexible at all." They hit the nail on the proverbial head with that one. 5:48 p.m. - 2005-05-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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