pantoum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WALKING THAT LONESOME VALLEY OF NO EXPLANATION Tree asked about the breakup today, asked if the Ginger and I have talked yet. I know we have unfinished business and that reality is difficult for me, but I have reconciled myself with the reality that I will probably never hear from her again. For a long time, I had trouble believing that she doesn't care enough to even attempt to explain why she had an affair and lied about it, but then I realized that I was assuming that she knew why she did and she may not. It troubles me that her mom died on April 15 and she began her affair with Dickboy in early May. I also worry that I abandoned her when she was fragile and in crisis. She seemed so deliberate and cold about the whole thing though once I caught them, so maybe we both just needed to move on. Plus, when I caught them, she just said, "I decided today that I was going to leave you anyway" and then I found a message she wrote her best friend that said "Bird doesn't know, but that's her problem, isn't it?" so maybe what I should really do is just color myself clueless and willing to try to believe her even though I knew in my gut that she was lying. Buzzcut says it's often the case with affairs that the person who doesn't have the affair is the one who checks out first. And that may be true in our case—although I didn't recognize this at the time. Instead, I just knew that my heart was breaking about the Mom's looming death and the suffering she was enduring. Buzzcut also said, "you know, y'all really need to talk." Anyway, last month, the Ginger sent a birthday card to me: a picture of an owl (which we saw all the time on our trips to the Pacific NW) along with the message "Happy Birthday. Hope you are doing well." I waited two weeks weeks, then sent a thanks-for-the-card email that asked "How are you?" at the end, but haven't heard back. The part of me that cares for and worries about her really does want to know how she's doing, but the part of me that cares about how fragile I am knows to keep my distance. Meanwhile, I am curious to know if Dickboy left his wife now that they can live on the Ginger's trust fund. I wonder how she's handling the loss of her mother too, especially now that the one-year anniversary of her death is approaching.
Hard to believe Mom's been gone this long.... 10:42 p.m. - 2005-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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