pantoum's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHERE HAS SUSIE SEXPERT GONE? LONG TIME PASSING . . .

Quick! Someone send out a search party to find Susie Bright. Where did she go?

I mean I know she had a baby and everything, but she seems to have just vanished off the face of the earth and I so miss her Toys-'R'-Us columns and straightforward writing about lesbian sex.

"Oh, sodomy," she writes. "It doesn't come naturally just because you're gay. We stumble and fumble and watch dirty movies for tips, but there's a lot to lesbian sex that doesn't get talked about."

So yeah. I am flipping through my copy of Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World right now and what a hoot! I had forgotten how amusing she is.

Susie Sexpert, for those of you not in the know, was born out of a temper tantrum that Susie Bright experienced upon hearing one too many people perpetuate the myth that lesbians don't have sex. And I promise that you will want to do just that by the time you read this book, and quite possibly in some new and interesting ways.

I pulled Susie out because I couldn't remember how to spell or pronounce tribadism (rhymes with livid + ism), which I wrote about in an earlier entry (and which, incidentally, is not in Webster's eleventh). I also wanted to find some clever excerpts about the practice to send to my chorus board pals who were joking about cloacal kissing last night, but failed miserably in that area.

Here's the best I can come up with:

I have a theory about why tribadism is so rarely talked about. It's a full body embrace that departs from hugging, and turns it into an erotic technique. Tribadism can be accomplished without many words, without looking, tasting, or touching your genitals, without even taking your clothes off. . . .There's something historically furtive about tribadism, as if it were something you do without acknowledging that you're really having S-E-X.

(See? It just doesn't evoke laughter.)

One of the cool things about this book is that even her questions are amusing:

Dear Susie, I can't find my G-Spot and I've looked everywhere.

The male customers in the store are more afraid of you than you are of them. Watch them cut a wide swath to get out of your way as you head toward the tit clamps. It's an awesome sense of power. I don't know why men can be so rude at a bus stop but then be absolutely speechless in a sex toy store, but that's the way it is.

Susie wrote a thoroughly amusing piece about inter-relationship dildo abuse (AKA the destruction perpetrated on sex toys during a breakup) too. And I had forgotten her column about the inventors who show up at Good Vibrations on a regular basis to demonstrate such items as a new and improved orgasm blender.

She was also introduced to a vibrator that hooks into your stereo system and then picks up the bass line and hums along to your music.

(And now I am trying to decide just what piece of music I would like to accompany that toy but, you know, the mood varies.)

Woo hoo! Sean May just made the most awesome slam dunk!

Oh. Sorry. It is a little distracting, but I am an ACC basketball fan and so am watching the UNC/FSU game as I complete my impromptu survey of the lesbian sex world. The game is closer than I expected it to be too, so this is a little distracting.

But here's Susie again, because who wouldn't rather hear from her?

Bigger is better. . . . and if you are one of those girls who is still saying "No, no, no it's too big!" you're either turning me on, or you're the last person in Cincinnati who won't use a good lubricant.

And good lord! I just realized where Susie is (and that I am getting OLD): Susie had her baby in 1990, which means that she is the mama of a teenager now!

Bet she is one cool mom.

9:47 p.m. - 2005-03-03

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next