pantoum's Diaryland Diary

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LOCUST YEARS AND SALAD DAYS

301.

It�s funny. I was talking with Computergrrl about the fact that we are �stuck,� but I realized after I got my tax return that most of my stuckness is not emotional/spiritual but is instead about my cash flow being so damn tight.

I don�t have the extra money to pay to straighten out my illegal car, so it stays illegal and this reality hangs over me, dragging me down and reminding me that I am not taking care of things. I don�t have enough money to buy a truckload of mulch, so I beat myself up for not taking care of my yard as I should. Or I don�t have the money to buy a two-story ladder, so I beat myself up about not cleaning my gutters. And I don't have the money to pay off the credit card that is really Ginger's debt, so I beat myself up about interest rates.

I just didn�t realize how much of this stress and feeling of being overwhelmed is purely about how tight money is. Figures though.

And I'm wondering why I didn't notice for at least six months that Pottergrrl is pretty much a control freak while I am�except about production work�fairly easy-going and spontaneous.

(Oh shut up. It's true when I haven't been crushed flat.)

I remain convinced that more than a little of the tension we're experiencing coalesces around loss issues with Tree. And I realize that my questioning her when her mother behaved in a really controlling and inappropriate way and she just tucked her tail and ran was upsetting to her (just as her non-reaction to her mother was upsetting to me).

Anyway, that�s all water under the bridge, isn�t it, and I know myself well enough to know that I can never let another person put a cage around my one beautiful and precious life to better suit her idea of who I should be.

I hope that Pottergrrrl recognizes all the ways that we shone one day, or at least remembers the great sex we had with a smile.

�

And this just in:

Lovers know only too well that men usually need a �recovery period� after orgasm, and that sexual intercourse with orgasm is more satisfying than an orgasm from masturbation alone [for whom specifically?].

Now scientists think the two phenomena might be linked. Following orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released into the bloodstream in both men and women. The hormone makes us feel satiated by countering the effect of dopamine, which is released during sexual arousal.

Stuart Brody of the University of Paisley, UK, and Tillmann Kr�ger of the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich, measured blood prolactin levels in male and female volunteers who watched erotic films before engaging in masturbation or sexual intercourse to orgasm in the laboratory.

Surprisingly, after orgasm from sexual intercourse, the increase in blood prolactin levels is 400 percent higher in both sexes compared with after orgasm from masturbation. This explains why orgasm from intercourse is more satisfying than masturbation, says Brody.

Since elevated levels of prolactin have been linked to erectile dysfunction, this may also explain why most men need a recovery period after sex.New Scientist

Interesting that they assume that heterosexual intercourse is the only form of sex besides masturbation. What about levels after orgasm from my tongue on her um theory? My fist on her umm mmm?

We gotta change that chicken wing reference above. See I�ve always had this thing about raw chicken, which grosses me out because it looks like a wet old man with loose skin. So today I overslept and didn�t have time to make a real lunch, so I grabbed a couple of sugar-free Jell-Os and ordered wings.

I was really hungry after my workout but couldn�t even finish my lunch because, well, you can see the shape of the bird when you eat chicken wings and I kept thinking about Pottergrrrl�s beautiful feathered ladies and then there�s that weird disgusting vein that you have to look at and well I just couldn�t eat the things.

It�s been an odd week. Work has been really stressful�I recently learned that I may lose a position when someone retires this month instead of being able to fill it and we REALLY need another person. Plus several other stressful and political things are making my days rough. Plus, instead of being relaxed and happy from a loving and fun and expressive weekend, I am working.

Still, for some reason, I feel alarmingly happy and calm.

1:31 p.m. - 2006-03-03

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