pantoum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PRESIDENT FOR LIFE (No. 299 � Thursday, 23 February 2006) Here comes president kill again... DC's City Paper referred to Marion Berry as �Mayor for Life.� This was before he got caught with crack cocaine. His judgment was, no doubt, damaged by the hours he spent doing crack and the electric slide on the means streets of his city. If Bush&Co had moved forward with their plans to cancel the recent presidential election (citing the threat of a terrorist attack), as the July 2004 Newsweek reports that the White House and the Dept. of Justice have considered (guess those computer programmers have not yet devised a way to change those Kerry votes to Bush ones, huh?), then, who knows, we could have a prez for life on our hands who raises the terrorism alert every time someone protests his continuation in office.Maybe he didn�t do well in school, but Bush (Cheney. Probably Cheney) certainly paid attention when they reviewed those Nazi lessons in citizenry control. � This week, an Austrian court sentenced a historian to three years in prison for espousing his belief that the Holocaust never existed, but people like Dr. Paul Cameron�who was kicked out of the American Sociological (or was it Psychological?) Association long ago for making up results whole cloth�continues to spread his homophobic pseudoscience as fact. And politicians like Santorum continue to pronounce Cameron's fiction as fact.Cameron is the one who manufactured whole-cloth the lie that gay men routinely insert hamsters into their rectums. (I have a recording of the radio show in which he asserts this ridiculous, unfounded claim, should you care to listen.) Gay groups tried to find even a single queer who practices this sex act, and failed, so I'm thinking this is Mr. Cameron's fantasy. Cameron is also the man who started the rumor that queers� usually die in their forties, which is a lie even when you factor in the AIDS epidemic.Anyway, so I was in the middle of reading about this Holocaust trial when I stopped by our employee lounge for my afternoon cup of tea and there sat the same little Guatemalan boy who was sitting in there watching TV at 10 AM this morning. The poor little thing catapulted up off the sofa and said �would you watch TV with me?� with his big brown (bored-out-of-his-skull-why-is-Daddy-STILL-working?) eyes all hopeful. OMG was he adorable. We agreed that I would return after my meeting and, if he was still watching TV, then I would watch it with him for a little while. And then I asked him if he would help me make my tea. ... But we were talking about Dr. Paul Cameron and the jailed historian, weren't we? And, well, my opinion may be unpopular, but I just don�t believe you should be jailed for espousing your opinion, even when it is misguided and hateful and ignorant. I believe the Klan has the right to their (stupid) opinion and I think Dr. Cameron does too�and I think it�s right that people challenge their lies and logic openly. That�s freedom of the press and freedom of speech�something Corporate America has all but done away with these days. I also worry that, when you tell historians what they can and cannot study, you limit knowledge. They should be free to pursue any whiz-bang theory they come up with; that�s how we learn new things, expand our knowledge base. � And now a quote. Ralph Reed, speaking to Christian high school students, said �We will never know how many marriages and lives were saved, or how many children were spared the consequences of compulsive gambling, because of our work to shut down casinos.� Yeah. Right. To quote Ecclesiastes like the former Southern Baptist that I am, all things shall come to pass, you fucking (caught redhanded) asshole. � And now it�s Sunday morning, 26 February 2006. I returned to the mountains, but am pondering whether or not to just pack up and go home. Pottergrrrl is still in bed and I'm not rude enough to just walk out, but I really can�t sleep here and am sad. I guess good sex can carry you through many months of incompatibility, but at some point you have to realize that you really don't have much in common. And our reality is that we look at the world through entirely different lenses and move through it very differently (as further evidenced by the heavy antiques and fussy frames in her house and the clean Scandinavian lines in mine). And I just don't have much respect for her lenses any more, which have become very judgmental since I began taking antidepressants and put on 15 pounds. I guess it's a good thing that I took my toys and went home three weeks ago because that means I have less to pack now.Ugh. And now I'm home after a 3.5-hour drive downhill. Pottergrrl launched into a judgmental tirade when I tried to talk to her. I am not making enough of an effort to address the serious health issue that gaining weight is (but being fat seems like a better option than not taking the antidepressants right now, Pottergrrl, and offing myself doesn't strike me as a viable health option either). I seek out the ugliness in the world when I could choose to see beauty. And I am jaded, sarcastic. (Well yeah. I guess I am.) She just started reading Codependent No More and reports that it has made her realize that all of her relationships thus far have been codependent�and um show me one that isn't�and that means that she would only be codependent with me if we were to move toward anything beyond our weekend trysts. She�s right though. I'm a fuck up who doesn't take good enough care of myself and can't find a good reason to do so when I get in this emotional state ... and I wish to hell I could figure out why I'm stuck here. (Monday � 27 February 2006) On this date in 1991, King George the Former declared �Kuwait is liberated. Iraq�s army is defeated.� I know I have not taken great physical care of myself in the past year�since before then really�and that, truth be told, I seem to have been on a mission to self-destruct ever since my nasty break-up. I know I very nearly succeeded in doing just that too. And that scares me. Unlike Pottergrrrl though, I believe I'm coming out on the other side of this setback, that I'm much healthier emotionally than I was eight months ago, that I am intact.She's part of that healing, of course. And the irony that is killing me is that I called employee assistance last week to find out if there's a specialist in "stuckness" that I can see. I have more faith in myself than she does, I guess. Or maybe I have to believe that in order to get up every day. Pottergrrrl now believes that eating meat is unhealthy, period. (Of course she grew up vegan, so this makes sense.) I believe she is reacting to Tree's diagnosis and hoping against hope that, if she only makes sacrifices, she'll be protected.I also don't much believe in "nevers" and am a lot more likely to be successful if practice moderation. I substitute turkey for bacon or hamburger meat as much as I can and eat lots more seafood than beef and pork as much as I can, but I might still order any of these in a restaurant. So I'm trying to silence the critic in my head, especially where my weight is concerned, and to tell myself that I am making positive changes. Instead of saying "What else am I doing wrong?" as I used to do�which only paralyzes me�I am trying to ask myself �What else can I do that will benefit my health/peace/emotional well being/whatever?' And I believe I have a better chance of finding peace this way. I've been thinking about all those highlighted sections in Pottergrrl's codependent book. I know that I don't need anyone to take care of me and usually slip-slide but fast away from someone who attempts to smother me. I know that I stayed away when Operagrrl when she expressed interest in dating me because she drinks and smokes too much and being around her would only encourage me to do the same. And I know that one of the many characteristics I find appealing about Pottergrrrl is that she takes care of herself. She likes to go on long walks with me, likes to be outdoors. She runs. She is s a positive influence on me healthwise and that appeals to me. I don�t want to be her pet project though and can assure you that it would drive me crazy if she treated me as one. And I'm frustrated and disappointed and missing sex with her, damn it, which makes it hard for me to want to talk about any of this. READING: Well I suppose I should purchase Codependent No More so's I can beat myself up about even more things that are wrong with me. I think I'll read Women Who Run with the Wolves instead though.SANG IN SHOWER: Right.7:29 p.m. - 2006-02-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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