pantoum's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE FUNNIEST JUSTICE, OR, MEN IN BLACK (THE SEQUEL)

290.

Breyer was the next funniest justice, weighing in at 45 laughs in the same nine-month period (which ain�t much, when you think about it). Ginsburg, on the other hand, produced only four such snorts in the same period. (Let the feminist jokes begin. ...Okay. Really. So. The Ginger's wonderful father John asked me once how many feminists it takes to screw in a lightbulb. I dunno, I replied. Well, first of all, that�s not a funny question. h said. And, second of all, that�s Ms. Feminist to you, asshole. And, as any enlightened man would know, the word �screw� is a misogynistic term and the fact that you have used it is a clear indication that you are a misogynist too.)

It's a little different when a man tells this joke but, yeah, I've met that woman.

Um. Well. Anyway, Ruth�s four pitiful ha-ha-ha�s top good ol� Clarence Thomas�s pathetic humor quotient. See, Clarence (who apparently only finds pubic hair on Coke cans funny) rarely even speaks during oral arguments so it�s no surprise that he failed to produce even a single bout of laughter in the same nine-month period (and yes my mind is calculating accepted humor vs. minority status vs. discomfort with judicial white-boy fraternity quotient versus the generally accepted as agreed-upon humor, but let�s don�t forget that we are talking about a man who called his sister who works sixty hours a week picking crabmeat out of shells in the unair-conditioned Georgia heat a lazy American).

The man will no doubt vote to leave the minimum wage exactly where it is. He worked his butt off to get where he is, after all, and that hard work will mean nothing is other people are also allowed to succeed.

And speaking of cheap tricks, did you notice that the London Times ran an ambush article after reporters anonymously submitted two Booker award-winning novels from the 1970s to twenty publishers and agents? One of these novels was VS Naipaul�s In a Free State and the other was Stanley Middleton�s Free State. The Times claims that this exercise �draws attention to concerns that the industry has become incapable of spotting genuine literary talent" and yes I do think that pressure to sell a set number of books in a set number of days can produce formulaic titles just as Hollywood mostly produces formulaic films that are so damn predictable that I don�t even bother announcing anymore when the next obvious move will occur but, as Publishers Lunch points out, we really should ask ourselves what would have happened if the reporters had done the same thing with some of the London Times�s op-ed essays submitted blindly to top newspapers.

And, while we�re at it, let�s also remind ourselves that novels written three decades ago may no longer be particularly compelling to readers�especially if Naipaul wrote it. (Oh Oh Oh. A bias. A clear and unadulterated bias that is clearly and freeely noted here.) So yeah. Naipaul won an award but, you know, it ain�t exactly compelling reading sometimes. I mean, read the stuff already and discover for yourself that it is dry, dry, dry. And I have to also say that I have worked with enough publishers to know that overworked publishers are much more likely to send unsolicited material or material delivered from a person rather than an agent to their slush pile. Anyone submitting writing knows this and I have been the slush-pile weeder before and know how big that stack can get. And I�m not really sure what any of this proves except that publishing is an overworked, underpaid career path that no one should follow and the Times possesses way too much willingness to scoff at its own industry when, really, there are all kinds of new dictators that it could be studying for profiles (in American criminal activity).

And while we�re speaking about the nonessential (but oh so entertaining) publishing industry, has anyone noticed that James Frey is running hog-damn-wild? The opportunist seems to be revealing himself as a pathological liar now and has blurted out on live TV that Talese et al. weren�t sure if they�d call his book fiction or memoir. (This after she defended his sorry ass when his lies were revealed at considerable professional sacrifice to her career and prestige.) And let�s be frank, Talese has made it very clear that Frey never presented his book as anything other than a memoir. Ever. The guy is still selling books right and left though, so let the controversy continue....

And did you know that six million children under the age of five die every year of diseases that can be easily and cheaply treated (like the norovirus that just swept through my workplace)? And, while we�re citing statistics, did you know that 300 million Africans lack access to clean water? That seems like a really abstract number, but howzabout you stand in the place where you are and throw 300 million matchsticks onto a pile and then note just how many matchsticks that is?

So yeah. I had access to tons of clean water today and still didn�t drink enough of it. And I have to say that I really really really hope, now that the norovirus is long gone, that I am one of the many people who is immune to the Epstein-Barr virus since two of my friends have now been diagnosed with exhausting mono. And gosh do I hope that their saliva did not somehow come into contact with me. (Hey! No spitting when you�re gesticulating, gals!). I guess I even hope that I�m the gadfly Thomas and not the ever-conservative but occasionally amusing Scalia, since there�s little chance that Thomas would make someone guffaw enough to spit. (And BTW, I am the kind of person who can illicit guffaws pretty readily if I set my mind to it ....)

So. Did I tell you about the funny thing that happened at work today? Well it�s not necessarily funny ha ha but it did make me stand up and take notice. Well first I have to be vague because I could get fired if I�m specific but let�s just say that faculty, as a general rule, rule on college campuses and the most unorganized ones tend to demand extreme assistance in a very unrealistic manner. So the unorganized faculty member to which I refer is a kind and generous soul, but she is notoriously unorganized and unreal expectations are her forte and, well, we�re state funded and have one program manager per five faculty members and this single program managers stays plenty busy trying to keep every loose end taken care of.

Well, said notoriously unorganized faculty member told her program manager to drop everything today and assemble 150 complicated notebooks before morning and said program manager�who has complained to me many times about organized people being penalized when the unorganized ones bump their deadlines with last-minute projects�pointed out that she was already committed to other PLANNED deadlines for her other four faculty members and that this turnaround time was unrealistic.

Then the unorganized faculty member said (and I quote) �I don�t care. Just do it� and shoved her pointed finger into the program manager's face.

At which point, the prone-to-extreme-reactions-anyway and pushed-to-the-edge program manager basically lost her shit and mine and yours too and threw the faculty member�s notebooks onto the floor and started informing her in shouts that her unreal expectations are bullshit and I don�t remember everything else she said but the sentences definitely included the phrase �you can go fuck yourself� and "fuck you."

Yeah.

So. Whee. Work sure was fun today (and sometimes I love living vicariously through other shouting people)! And I must say that it is strange to be a manager and know that the program manager' manager had no choice but to write her up after the faculty member complained to the dean, but I also know the program manager's manager well enough to know that he was probably cheering her on at some level too.

Tonight I am sketching designs to be painted onto boxing gloves. Yes you heard me right: boxing gloves. See, the local theatre company holds an annual diva contest and, this year�s theme is knockout. Three of my friends are in this competition�including Sandiva (of course, being the most obvious diva of them all)a�and their red boxing gloves will be auctioned off to support the theatre.

I was in favor of a Mondrian theme on my pal�s gloves�and have the perfect colors to achieve this look�but she wanted something more whimsical. We thought about painting Mona Lisa wearing boxing gloves on one glove and Botticelli�s Venus (on the half shell) wearing boxing gloves on the other one, but I thought this was too damn complicated for a wrinkly pair of slick boxing gloves, so I suggested colorful Matisse figures. In the end, we decided on a pale green version of Matisse�s pink lady on one glove and the outline of a woman�s face on the other glove. And I gotta admit they look really cool.

1:31 a.m. - 2006-01-19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next