pantoum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEX Woody Allen said "I don't know what the question is, but sex is definitely the answer." My cheating pal is cheating again and I feel dirty just knowing about it. Also wish I didn't have to watch her repeat a too-familiar pattern. She craves intimacy and asks woman after woman out seeking connection, then runs as hard as she can when she finds it. And the more attracted to the woman she is, the harder she runs—or she has a affair despite being in love, which effectively destroys their intimacy and thwarts their potential. This, apparently, somehow makes her feel safe and in control. She's in a long-term relationship now that is safe, but has never provided the intimacy that she desires. She knows that her partner will never introduce monsters into the equation though. Like me, she has a strong need to be perceived as competent, in control, and capable of keeping a firm handle on things—only she doesn't have the creative outlets that I have to (sometimes) balance out that control. And she runs away from self-awareness if it brings up anything scary (whereas I seek it out, for the most part). I've thought for some time now that sex is the key to getting past her walls, that it can grant her access to those scary places in a way that doesn't cause her to run away when exposed. Since she (eventually) lets her guard down sexually and is sexually curious, I believe that B/D might be just the thing to allow her to develop deep trust with a woman. Ao I keep hoping she'll find some determined femme who is so alluring to help her explore new terrains despite her fears, that her lover will dominate her in a safe and sexy manner and help her finally lose control and see that she survived it. 5:02 p.m. - 2005-03-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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