pantoum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL SORTS AND DIMENSIONS 241. Long ago (and oh so far away), back when I first started this blog, I was having an ill-advised ostensibly casual sex affair with Buzzcut, who updated her blog for the first time in many months yesterday. Here�s the part about me (because really, that is why I read the thing): During this same time, I had a very misbegotten sexual affair with a woman I'd been attracted to for some time. What I learned (all over again): once you get nekkid with another woman, you are likely to learn all sorts of things you never realized while dressed�about the other woman and about yourself. Perhaps the best thing I learned is that I can enjoy strap-on sex in all sorts of ways. All sorts and dimensions. What I also learned is that, at this point in my life, I'd rather have sex completely and exclusively within the context of deep love and trust�the rest is best left to fantasy. Ahem. She reminded me of all the reasons why I don�t want to have so-called casual sex with anyone as well. But about those strap-ons...Yeah. Hung out with Farmgrrl and Rosa on Thursday night. They converted one of the farm�s outbuildings into a gallery and are selling all sorts of stuff from their travels there�weavings and sculptures and paintings and so on. Mostly art from developing countries but also two Howard Finster pieces that tempt me. I�m not spending money on nonessentials right now though. It was nice to catch up with them and I promised I�d hook them up with a few designers, since Rosa has been in Honduras teaching for some time now and needs some connections. � I fell into a deep funk Sunday night and haven�t figured out why. I showed Pottergrrl some photos last weekend and she asked �when did you date her?� and �when did you date her?� And she showed me some photos this past weekend and I asked �when did you date him?� and �when did you date her?,� which must have started the whole thing. I also noticed her wedding photos and some little hand-written hearts that her (now-separated) husband gave her sitting on the shelves. The video of mine and the Ginger's wedding was there too (she wanted to watch it) but I said no). And I was thinking about the fact that Pottergrrl said she wasn�t sure if she�d take her husband back if he showed up on her doorstep. Pottergrrl also thought that telling her pals about me roughing up Dickboy would be a funny, but it just wound up being painful. Then I realized that her daughter is dating a guy whose boss is Rich, one of the Ginger's D&D friends and someone I�m pretty sure she had an affair with ... only she convinced me to (stupidly) trust her again that time. So get this. The Ginger's cell phone was broken and she said she�d be home between 10 and 11. So 12:30 rolled around, then 1, and still no Ginger. I couldn�t find Rich�s number and convinced myself that she was broken down on the interstate and stranded, so I hopped in my car and drove out to Rich�s place. Only no broken down car and no Ginger. So I parked by her car and noticed that all the lights were off in his apartment. (And this was after her first affair and a year of couples therapy, back when she said she was SURE she wanted to be with me, sure she wanted me to marry her.) So I sat there stunned, thinking I must be the most stupid, gullible person on the planet. Then, about 3 AM, she finally came bouncing down the steps and got into her car and drove off ... and then somehow managed to convince me that they were just talking by candlelight, that�s all. So looking at the photos and thinking �well, one day I�m just going to be the photo of the girl with a couple of interesting shirts, someone Pottergrrl dated in 2005� left me feeling really jaded and protective, left me thinking who am I kidding? Nothing lasts, so why am I setting myself up for more hurt? I should just live alone and collect river rocks and not open my heart to anyone who will only break it and ... blah blah friggin� get out the fucking violin and start strumming the gawddamn strings already blah. Pottergrrl thinks all the tragedy about the hurricane is affecting my mood. I dunno, but I wish I knew how to find faith when I lose it. Tomorrow: I have a follow-up mammogram that will be followed by either a lumpectomy or a simple cyst aspiration. BEST-OF SPAM SUBJECT LINES: �Why let people know about your intimate life?� Well, that is the question, isn�t it? 2:21 p.m. - 2005-09-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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